After you lose your child at first it is hard to smile and relive
all those great times. The pain is too overwhelming. The tears
cloud our eyes. It sometimes seems as if the hole in your heart
will never heal. I will never get over the loss of Andy, but it
is easier or should I say softer now. I’m now able to remember
with a big smile all of those precious memories I hold dear in
my heart. We must always remember that just because they are not
here with us, it does not make them any less of a presence in our
life.
No matter where you are in your grief journey I hope you will
try and choose to let go of any painful memories and try to embrace
the happy ones. Make February the month to celebrate the love you
have for your child.
THE FIRST IS THE WORST
By Michelle Ramsey
BP/USA, Tampa Bay, FL
They say the first is the worst.
I know the pain of not having my child.
I know the pain of not being able to hold her.
I know the pain I went through to have her.
I know the pain of burying my child.
I know the pain every time I go to the grave.
But no one said how the pain would
increase when the
First Valentines Day came
First Easter came
First Mother’s Day came
First Father’s Day came
First Birthday came.
All the holidays that come during the
first year are really very hard after
your child dies. I know the pain of
those “first’s.”
You will get through them.
Believe me – I know.
I’m halfway there –
Then I’ll have to face the “Two’s.”
WINTERSUN
By Sascha
From
WINTERSUN: Thoughts of Comfort
and Understanding for Healing from Grief
There are those days in winter
when your world is frozen
into a vision of eternal ice,
when earth and air are strangers to each other,
when sound and color seem forever gone.
There are those days in winter
when you feel like dying,
when life itself surrenders you to anguish,
to total mourning and to endless grief.
And then it happens: - from the
bitter sky,
a timid sun strides to his silent battle
against the gray and hostile universe -
it changes ice to roses, sky to song.
And then it happens that your
heart recalls
some distant joy, a gladness from the past,
a slender light at first, then larger, braver,
until your mind returns to hope and peace.
Let memories be beauty in your
life,
like song and roses in the winter sun.
Wintertime
- Bleak and Sad
by Susan Arlen, MD
Somerville, NJ
January - cracked and frozen ground, devoid of growth;
trees elf stretching their bare limbs toward a leaden
sky - occasional bright, blue skied days with sunshine
for a brief few hours, frigid winds howling.
The dreaded holiday season, punctuated by the absence
of a dearly loved person, has come and gone. The bereaved
have survived a tune of warmth, good cheer and family
togetherness without the one who previously had given
holidays their special meaning and purpose.
The bright decorations, the songs, services and familiar
foods that previously were eagerly anticipated have been
experienced alone this year. Even in a crowd of warm
and happy people, even surrounded by other loved ones,
the bereaved have experienced this season with that special
person absent with that voice glaringly, screamingly
silent.
But you have survived -- though not without sorrow or
feelings of emptiness and futility, not without remembering
what used to be and not without wishing that it still
was the way it should have been. You have rung out the
old year, but not the old, warm cherished memories, for
they are a part of you and will remain so forever.
You have rung in the new year with a heart as leaden
as the bleak January sky, with the question whirling
in your head: "What is there to look forward to
in this new year?" Though your real desire was to
go backward in time to that time of completeness and
wholeness, you have been forced forward into a new year
filled with unknowns that you felt stronger and more
capable of handling when your beloved was alive and sharing
your world. Where have your hopes, dreams and plans gone?
Did you ask for this burden of constructing new plans,
new goals, new reasons for being? Of course you didn't.
You were content with the way your life was going and
had no desire for any changes.
Unfortunately though, life and death are oblivious to
our precious individual human treasures, and our loved
ones can be ripped away from us with a force that we
are as powerless to alter, just as we are powerless to
alter the course of the frigid and swirling January wind.
It is no small feat to survive the holiday season, and
after the holidays, there is a letdown. Even nature appears
to have gone into mourning. The few birds and animals
who have remained on the landscape appear shabby and
half starved as they forage for the scant food available
to them. Most of nature seems to have gone into hibernation.
Only the hardy evergreens remain fully clothed.
The occasional brilliant sunlight that punctuates the
frigid air seems to give us illusory hope of warmth for
a short time. The shorter days of light and longer hours
of darkness give us the illusion that we too are hibernating
for longer periods of time than at other times of the
year. It can also feel like we are hibernating within
our own thoughts and minds.
A hibernating animal or plant has drastically reduced
physiological functioning. It is in a period of quiescence,
resting and using as little energy as possible to sustain
itself. We humans do not have leaves to shed or caves
to repair to in order to sleep out the frigid and gray
winter. We must continue to function without benefit
of natural fur coatings or the protective prickles or
thick skin of the evergreen.
There are conditions that affect human beings that are
caused by sunlight deprivation. Seasonal Affective Disorder
(SAD) is a form of depression that occurs during the
months of decreased sunlight. The bereaved, who are already
experiencing conditions akin to depression, or actual
depression can feel even worse during the winter months.
Already depleted energy can decrease even further. Feelings
of loss and sadness can intensify, as can feelings of
futility. Bleak days can exacerbate bleak lives. It can
become difficult to motivate oneself to do anything.
It is very important to recognize that SAD is time-limited
and seasonal. It is crucial for the bereaved to realize
that the winter months can exacerbate their already low
feelings and energy levels.
Here are some tips to help you cope with winter bleakness:
1. Take a clue from the animals and plants. If you need
to slow down or rest more, permit yourself to do so WITHOUT
chastising yourself.
2. Get as much sunlight and daylight as possible (even
on overcast days, some sunlight gets through). There are
special bulbs and light boxes that contain the same light
spectrum as the sun (without the dangerous ultraviolet
rays). If needed, invest in one of those bulbs. Using them
20 minutes a day can do wonders in lifting spirits that
are down due to sunlight deprivation.
3. As difficult as it is to motivate yourself, make
sure that you get regular aerobic exercise at least three
times a week for 20 minutes each time. This can be done
in the form of a brisk walk out-of-doors. Bundle up well,
layer your clothing so the cold won't bother you. In
addition, being out-of-doors puts you in the fresh air
and sunlight. Walking gets all of your body system going
without straining them. It's also a chance to be alone
with your thoughts while moving. This can help your thoughts
to move along if they have become stuck.
4. Plan occasions and/or outings you can look forward
to, then make yourself carry them out.
5. Speak to other people who have gone through similar
experiences.
6. Pamper yourself. Go to a spa; have a massage, take
a long, leisurely bath.
7. Reach out to other people. Try to do something to
help someone else. YOU can make a difference in someone
else's life with the secondary benefit of taking your
thoughts off yourself for a while.
8. Beware of alcohol. While it may dull the edges of
your pain for a short time, it is a depressant, and in
the long run is addictive and will complicate your situation.
9. Physical complaints must be checked out by a physician.
10. If you are deeply depressed, there are medicines
your doctor can prescribe that are not addictive. They
will not dull your intellectual functioning or rid you
of your grief, but they will take the sharp edge off
your depression and lift the depth a bit.
11. Be as kind to yourself as possible.
The depths of winter are difficult for human and beast
alike. Bereavement makes any time of year and any situation
more difficult to bear. Know that though you feel alone,
you are not. Though the gray winter seems endless, it
is not, and though your grief feels excruciating and
interminable, it will soften. You will survive and one
day, greet the awakening of spring with a smile, along
with your tears.
Hope in the Face of Death
Hope and beautiful memories. Hope brings us new possibilities.
It opens dead-end streets, it allows for change, and
in change it creates new alternatives. Hope encourages
optimism. It assures us that, although situation aren't
how we would like them to be, circumstances could change
for the better. Hope has changed societies, developed
science and enhanced life since the beginning.
Happily, the human mind has a way of storing beautiful
moments...This forms a storehouse of memories that is
always there to call upon, even at times of extreme despair.
--Leo F. Buscaglia
~reprinted from South LA Bay TCF Jan/Feb 2003 Newsletter
2010 TCF National Conference will be held in Arlington,
VA - July 2-4
"Reflections of Love, Visions of Hope" is
the theme of The Compassionate Friends 33rd National
Conference which will be held in Arlington Virginia July
2-4, 2010. The event will be held at the Hyatt Regency
Crystal City promising a beautiful venue for the 33rd
TCF National Conference. Independence Day will not only
feature our Walk to Remember, but will include a world-class
display of fireworks over the National Mall, visible
from Arlington.
http://www.compassionatefriends.org/News_Events/TCF_National_Conferences.aspx
LOVE NEVER GOES AWAY
By Darcie D. Sims
"Why does it hurt so much? Why is this grief so
incapacitating? If only the hurt weren't so crushing." Sounds
familiar? All of us have known hurts before, but none
of our previous "ouchies" can compare with
the hurt we feel. Nothing can touch the pain of burying
a child.
Yet most of us have discovered that the sun still comes
up. We still have to function. We did not die when our
child did, even though we wished we could have. So we
are stuck with this pain, this grief, and what do we
do with it? Surely we can't live like THIS forever!
There are no magic formulas for surviving grief. There
are a few recognized patterns for grief, but even those
are only guidelines. What we do know is that the emptiness
will never go away. It will become tolerable and livable,
some day.
TIME, the longest word in our grief. We used to measure
TIME by the steps of our child – the first word,
first tooth, first date, first car. Now we don't have
that measure any more. All we have is TIME, and it only
seems to make the hurt worse.
So what do we do? Give ourselves TIME to hurt,
to grieve, to cry. TIME to choke, to scream.
TIME to be "crazy" and TIME to remember. Be
nice to yourself! Don't measure your progress through
grief against anyone else's. Be your own timekeeper.
Don't push. Eventually you will find the hours and days
of grief have turned to minutes and then moments. But
don't expect them to go away. We will always hurt. You
don't get over grief. It only becomes tolerable and livable.
Change your focus a bit. Instead of dwelling on how much
you lost, try thinking of how much you had. Try letting
good memories come over you as easily as the awful ones
do. We didn't lose our child. HE [SHE] DIED. We don't
lose the love that flowed between us. It still flows,
but differently now.
Does it help to know that if we didn't love so very
much, it would not hurt so badly? Grief is the price
we pay for love. And as much as it hurts, I'm very glad
I loved. Don't let death cast ugly shadows, but rather
warm memories of the loving times you shared. Even though
death comes,
LOVE NEVER GOES AWAY!
THE HOLIDAY OF LOVE
By Art Rogers, Hinsdale IL Chapter
of BP/USA
Valentine’s Day is a day of remembering
our loved ones with small gifts and great feelings.
When your child was living, did you often remember
him/her on Valentine’s Day with a card or a balloon,
perhaps a gift of candy or something special that was
wanted? So, why stop that tradition?
Remember your child with love on this special
day; a single rose left at a grave; a special holiday
balloon to float around the house, reminding you each
time you look; a special photo in a nice frame to sit
on the mantle. These are ideas in an article from an
old BEREAVEMENT MAGAZINE.
It seems like a pretty good idea too! What a
better way to celebrate the Holiday of Love than by
enjoying fond memories of your child.
Try making his/her favorite dinner and treating
the family. Use special photos scattered around the
table to talk about some fun facts about him/her. It’s
important to show the others in the family how much
they are also loved so don’t forget some small
Valentine’s gifts for them too!
Just because our hearts are broken, we don’t
need to ignore “The Holiday of Love”.
ON MEMORY
When you remember me, it means that you have carried
something of who I am with you, that I have left some
mark of who I am on who you are. It means that you
can summon me back to your mind even though countless
years and miles may stand between us. It means that,
if we meet again, you will know me, and hear my voice
and speak to me in your heart. For as long as you remember
me, I am never entirely lost.
Frederick Buechner - From the BP/USA Tampa Bay
Chapter Newsletter
Entering the new year with old memories
~ By Alice J. Wisler
Christmas has ended, and the living room still has that
unwrapped look. With the festivities now part of future
memories, I anticipate the next hurdle----the new year.
The TV commercials romanticize champagne toasts illuminated
by glowing candles. People start to make resolutions,
hopeful that this brand-new unblemished year will be
the one that fuels their successes.
For the parent who has lost a child to death, a new
year can be daunting. The first New Years' after my son
Daniel's death was scary. I wanted to hold onto 1997.
Although it was the year he'd lost his battle with cancer
and died, it was also the year he'd lived. 1998 would
mark the first calendar year without him.
For some reason, the image of an old-fashioned wooden
bucket came to me. With this item I heard the word carry.
That's it, my newly-bereaved mind said. The key with
a new year is to carry the old into it.
So here we are, on the brink of another year, a new
decade, with fresh hopes and dreams. A clean slate. There
are many things about 2009 I wish to forgive and forget,
but I don't want to ever forget my son.
Each year marks a year further from when I last held
him, heard his voice, and saw his smile. I yearn to hug
him, tell him how much he's grown, and ask him what he'd
like for dinner. My heart feels that distinct hollowness
and sorrow that belongs to a mother without her child.
But the bucket I have isn't hollow. It is brimming with
memories and fondness, warmed with love and laughter;
I hold it tightly.
Just as I carried Daniel's four-year-old memories into
1998, now---thirteen years later---I will continue to
carry them. And I will do more than just hold them, I'll
let them trickle out, forming their own glow, as I share
this special boy with my world. "Wasn't it funny
when Daniel called adults redults? Do you remember how
he gave stickers away in the hospital, and once when
bored made a collage out of baby lotion and glitter?"
Daniel lived, he loved, and I believe he continues to
live in Heaven.
So, get yourself a sturdy bucket and carry. Boldly carry
the memories into the new year. Along the way, give yourself
permission to forgive. Let the memories you recall be
the brightest ones.
Listen. There is nothing to fear. Listen. Your child's
voice can be heard in your heart.
wisler@mindspring.com
WHEN
A HOUSE IS NOT A HOME
By Mary Cleckley
BP/USA
Have you had trouble feeling at home in your
house since your child died? Many people can’t
face that place and those memories. As a result, they
spend the years ahead running. They don’t know
what they are searching for but for something that
will blot out the memories they once valued.
Yet, those memories refuse to go down without
a fight and they keep on popping up at the most inopportune
moments. Maybe when you’re driving, for instance,
or trying to carry on a conversation with a new acquaintance
with whom you really don’t want to share your
experience.
Some people choose to move, in an effort to
leave old memories and pain behind. They haven’t
yet learned that what you have in your heart and your
head, you carry with you no matter where you go. It’s
like you’re crawling and grief is riding a bicycle
and it gets there ahead of you. Strange how grief seems
to know your destination. When grief is fresh, you’re
not going to be happy no matter where you go. Better
than running or moving, this is a good time to use
your time wisely. Learn how to live with your loss
and that includes allowing your house to become your
haven again – friendly, familiar and warm, full
of memories that one day you will again find comforting.
It happened for me and it can happen for you. Soon,
I hope. Soon, I hope!
Like a Tree in Winter
Like a tree in winter
which has lost its leaves,
we look ahead to spring
for new growth and the
warmth of the sun to heal
the pain in our hearts.
Let us make January & February
a time to reach out to each other
and give that warmth from our hearts
and in return,
We will all show new growth.
~reprinted from Kansas City (MO-KAN) Region Newsletter,
Jan/Feb 2004
TRIAL BY FIRE: 9 TIPS FOR GRIEVIG COUPLES
by Lisa Church. Adapted from a book “Hope is Like the Sun; Finding Hope
and Healing After Miscarriage, Stillbirth or Infant Death” Loving lifted
from TCF/Jackson, Alabama July 2007.
1. Give each other the freedom to grieve in an individual
way. Resist the temptation to feel that your way is the
only way to handle loss. Do not be fooled if it seems
that your spouse has not been affected by the loss.
2. Remember the good times. Think about activities you
enjoy as a couple and make time to do them—even
if you do not feel up to it.
3. Expect tough times. Be tolerant and understand that
you are both going to fail each other during this turbulent
time.
4. Do not lash out at one another. In a weakened state
of grief, this will only push you apart. Find constructive
ways to release the stress and anger of grief.
5. Prepare for change. Loss and grief change people and
it will change the face of your marriage. Decide together
that this trial will bring you closer and commit to your
relationship.
6. Reach out. Resist the urge to spend time away from
your mate or reach out to others who better understand
your grief.
7. Avoid placing blame. Tossing accusations at your spouse
will only place a wedge in your relationship. Understand
that feelings of guilt, anger and confusion are normal
during this time.
8. Love each other. Be sure to offer the hugs, cuddling,
and love that each partner needs to feel secure and supported.
9. Seek information and support. Educate yourselves on
grief and try to understand one another. If you are having
difficulties resolving your grief as a couple and you
feel your marriage is in trouble, get help immediately.
Do not wait until it is too late to seek help.
There are no easy answers for couples dealing with the
loss of a child. It is crucial that you make the decision
to put your marriage first and then do it.
Northern Lake County Illinois Chapter
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