The Compassionate Friends
Blue ButterflyNorthern Lake County Illinois Chapter

 

 

February Newsletter

 

  

snow

Chapter Leader
Notes
From
Darlene

           
        So it is February already, and thoughts turn to matters of the heart. With Valentine’s Day here there are flowers, candy and hearts everywhere you look. This always brings me back to when my kids were young and so many good memories. Many homemade Valentine’s Day cards and helping them pick out which card to give to each of their classmates. Also the sticky chocolate faces and the holes in all the bottoms of the candy from them trying to find their favorites. These are things that always bring a smile to my face.

After you lose your child at first it is hard to smile and relive all those great times. The pain is too overwhelming. The tears cloud our eyes. It sometimes seems as if the hole in your heart will never heal. I will never get over the loss of Andy, but it is easier or should I say softer now. I’m now able to remember with a big smile all of those precious memories I hold dear in my heart. We must always remember that just because they are not here with us, it does not make them any less of a presence in our life.

No matter where you are in your grief journey I hope you will try and choose to let go of any painful memories and try to embrace the happy ones. Make February the month to celebrate the love you have for your child.

THE FIRST IS THE WORST

By Michelle Ramsey
BP/USA, Tampa Bay, FL

They say the first is the worst.

I know the pain of not having my child.

I know the pain of not being able to hold her.

I know the pain I went through to have her.

I know the pain of burying my child.

I know the pain every time I go to the grave.

But no one said how the pain would
increase when the

First Valentines Day came
First Easter came
First Mother’s Day came
First Father’s Day came
First Birthday came.

All the holidays that come during the
first year are really very hard after
your child dies. I know the pain of
those “first’s.”

You will get through them.
Believe me – I know.
I’m halfway there –

Then I’ll have to face the “Two’s.”

 

 

 

 

WINTERSUN
By Sascha

From
WINTERSUN: Thoughts of Comfort
and Understanding for Healing from Grief

There are those days in winter
when your world is frozen
into a vision of eternal ice,
when earth and air are strangers to each other,
when sound and color seem forever gone.

There are those days in winter
when you feel like dying,
when life itself surrenders you to anguish,
to total mourning and to endless grief.

And then it happens: - from the bitter sky,
a timid sun strides to his silent battle
against the gray and hostile universe -
it changes ice to roses, sky to song.

And then it happens that your heart recalls
some distant joy, a gladness from the past,
a slender light at first, then larger, braver,
until your mind returns to hope and peace.

Let memories be beauty in your life,
like song and roses in the winter sun.

 

 

Wintertime - Bleak and Sad
by Susan Arlen, MD
Somerville, NJ

 

January - cracked and frozen ground, devoid of growth; trees elf stretching their bare limbs toward a leaden sky - occasional bright, blue skied days with sunshine for a brief few hours, frigid winds howling.

The dreaded holiday season, punctuated by the absence of a dearly loved person, has come and gone. The bereaved have survived a tune of warmth, good cheer and family togetherness without the one who previously had given holidays their special meaning and purpose.

The bright decorations, the songs, services and familiar foods that previously were eagerly anticipated have been experienced alone this year. Even in a crowd of warm and happy people, even surrounded by other loved ones, the bereaved have experienced this season with that special person absent with that voice glaringly, screamingly silent.

But you have survived -- though not without sorrow or feelings of emptiness and futility, not without remembering what used to be and not without wishing that it still was the way it should have been. You have rung out the old year, but not the old, warm cherished memories, for they are a part of you and will remain so forever.

You have rung in the new year with a heart as leaden as the bleak January sky, with the question whirling in your head: "What is there to look forward to in this new year?" Though your real desire was to go backward in time to that time of completeness and wholeness, you have been forced forward into a new year filled with unknowns that you felt stronger and more capable of handling when your beloved was alive and sharing your world. Where have your hopes, dreams and plans gone? Did you ask for this burden of constructing new plans, new goals, new reasons for being? Of course you didn't. You were content with the way your life was going and had no desire for any changes.

Unfortunately though, life and death are oblivious to our precious individual human treasures, and our loved ones can be ripped away from us with a force that we are as powerless to alter, just as we are powerless to alter the course of the frigid and swirling January wind.

It is no small feat to survive the holiday season, and after the holidays, there is a letdown. Even nature appears to have gone into mourning. The few birds and animals who have remained on the landscape appear shabby and half starved as they forage for the scant food available to them. Most of nature seems to have gone into hibernation. Only the hardy evergreens remain fully clothed.

The occasional brilliant sunlight that punctuates the frigid air seems to give us illusory hope of warmth for a short time. The shorter days of light and longer hours of darkness give us the illusion that we too are hibernating for longer periods of time than at other times of the year. It can also feel like we are hibernating within our own thoughts and minds.

A hibernating animal or plant has drastically reduced physiological functioning. It is in a period of quiescence, resting and using as little energy as possible to sustain itself. We humans do not have leaves to shed or caves to repair to in order to sleep out the frigid and gray winter. We must continue to function without benefit of natural fur coatings or the protective prickles or thick skin of the evergreen.

There are conditions that affect human beings that are caused by sunlight deprivation. Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is a form of depression that occurs during the months of decreased sunlight. The bereaved, who are already experiencing conditions akin to depression, or actual depression can feel even worse during the winter months. Already depleted energy can decrease even further. Feelings of loss and sadness can intensify, as can feelings of futility. Bleak days can exacerbate bleak lives. It can become difficult to motivate oneself to do anything. It is very important to recognize that SAD is time-limited and seasonal. It is crucial for the bereaved to realize that the winter months can exacerbate their already low feelings and energy levels.

Here are some tips to help you cope with winter bleakness:

1. Take a clue from the animals and plants. If you need to slow down or rest more, permit yourself to do so WITHOUT chastising yourself.

2. Get as much sunlight and daylight as possible (even on overcast days, some sunlight gets through). There are special bulbs and light boxes that contain the same light spectrum as the sun (without the dangerous ultraviolet rays). If needed, invest in one of those bulbs. Using them 20 minutes a day can do wonders in lifting spirits that are down due to sunlight deprivation.

3. As difficult as it is to motivate yourself, make sure that you get regular aerobic exercise at least three times a week for 20 minutes each time. This can be done in the form of a brisk walk out-of-doors. Bundle up well, layer your clothing so the cold won't bother you. In addition, being out-of-doors puts you in the fresh air and sunlight. Walking gets all of your body system going without straining them. It's also a chance to be alone with your thoughts while moving. This can help your thoughts to move along if they have become stuck.

4. Plan occasions and/or outings you can look forward to, then make yourself carry them out.

5. Speak to other people who have gone through similar experiences.

6. Pamper yourself. Go to a spa; have a massage, take a long, leisurely bath.

7. Reach out to other people. Try to do something to help someone else. YOU can make a difference in someone else's life with the secondary benefit of taking your thoughts off yourself for a while.

8. Beware of alcohol. While it may dull the edges of your pain for a short time, it is a depressant, and in the long run is addictive and will complicate your situation.

9. Physical complaints must be checked out by a physician.

10. If you are deeply depressed, there are medicines your doctor can prescribe that are not addictive. They will not dull your intellectual functioning or rid you of your grief, but they will take the sharp edge off your depression and lift the depth a bit.

11. Be as kind to yourself as possible.

The depths of winter are difficult for human and beast alike. Bereavement makes any time of year and any situation more difficult to bear. Know that though you feel alone, you are not. Though the gray winter seems endless, it is not, and though your grief feels excruciating and interminable, it will soften. You will survive and one day, greet the awakening of spring with a smile, along with your tears.

Hope in the Face of Death

Hope and beautiful memories. Hope brings us new possibilities. It opens dead-end streets, it allows for change, and in change it creates new alternatives. Hope encourages optimism. It assures us that, although situation aren't how we would like them to be, circumstances could change for the better. Hope has changed societies, developed science and enhanced life since the beginning.

Happily, the human mind has a way of storing beautiful moments...This forms a storehouse of memories that is always there to call upon, even at times of extreme despair.

--Leo F. Buscaglia
~reprinted from South LA Bay TCF Jan/Feb 2003 Newsletter


2010 TCF National Conference will be held in Arlington, VA - July 2-4

 

"Reflections of Love, Visions of Hope" is the theme of The Compassionate Friends 33rd National Conference which will be held in Arlington Virginia July 2-4, 2010. The event will be held at the Hyatt Regency Crystal City promising a beautiful venue for the 33rd TCF National Conference. Independence Day will not only feature our Walk to Remember, but will include a world-class display of fireworks over the National Mall, visible from Arlington.

http://www.compassionatefriends.org/News_Events/TCF_National_Conferences.aspx


LOVE NEVER GOES AWAY
By Darcie D. Sims

 

"Why does it hurt so much? Why is this grief so incapacitating? If only the hurt weren't so crushing." Sounds familiar? All of us have known hurts before, but none of our previous "ouchies" can compare with the hurt we feel. Nothing can touch the pain of burying a child.

Yet most of us have discovered that the sun still comes up. We still have to function. We did not die when our child did, even though we wished we could have. So we are stuck with this pain, this grief, and what do we do with it? Surely we can't live like THIS forever!

There are no magic formulas for surviving grief. There are a few recognized patterns for grief, but even those are only guidelines. What we do know is that the emptiness will never go away. It will become tolerable and livable, some day.

TIME, the longest word in our grief. We used to measure TIME by the steps of our child – the first word, first tooth, first date, first car. Now we don't have that measure any more. All we have is TIME, and it only seems to make the hurt worse.

So what do we do? Give ourselves TIME  to hurt, to grieve, to cry. TIME to choke, to scream.
TIME to be "crazy" and TIME to remember. Be nice to yourself! Don't measure your progress through grief against anyone else's. Be your own timekeeper.

Don't push. Eventually you will find the hours and days of grief have turned to minutes and then moments. But don't expect them to go away. We will always hurt. You don't get over grief. It only becomes tolerable and livable. Change your focus a bit. Instead of dwelling on how much you lost, try thinking of how much you had. Try letting good memories come over you as easily as the awful ones do. We didn't lose our child. HE [SHE] DIED. We don't lose the love that flowed between us. It still flows, but differently now.

Does it help to know that if we didn't love so very much, it would not hurt so badly? Grief is the price we pay for love. And as much as it hurts, I'm very glad I loved. Don't let death cast ugly shadows, but rather warm memories of the loving times you shared. Even though death comes,
LOVE NEVER GOES AWAY!

THE HOLIDAY OF LOVE
By Art Rogers, Hinsdale IL Chapter
of BP/USA

Valentine’s Day is a day of remembering our loved ones with small gifts and great feelings. When your child was living, did you often remember him/her on Valentine’s Day with a card or a balloon, perhaps a gift of candy or something special that was wanted? So, why stop that tradition?

Remember your child with love on this special day; a single rose left at a grave; a special holiday balloon to float around the house, reminding you each time you look; a special photo in a nice frame to sit on the mantle. These are ideas in an article from an old BEREAVEMENT MAGAZINE.

It seems like a pretty good idea too! What a better way to celebrate the Holiday of Love than by enjoying fond memories of your child.
Try making his/her favorite dinner and treating the family. Use special photos scattered around the table to talk about some fun facts about him/her. It’s important to show the others in the family how much they are also loved so don’t forget some small Valentine’s gifts for them too!

Just because our hearts are broken, we don’t need to ignore “The Holiday of Love”.

 

 

 

ON MEMORY
When you remember me, it means that you have carried something of who I am with you, that I have left some mark of who I am on who you are. It means that you can summon me back to your mind even though countless years and miles may stand between us. It means that, if we meet again, you will know me, and hear my voice and speak to me in your heart. For as long as you remember me, I am never entirely lost.

Frederick Buechner - From the BP/USA Tampa Bay Chapter Newsletter

 

 

 

Entering the new year with old memories
~ By Alice J. Wisler

Christmas has ended, and the living room still has that unwrapped look. With the festivities now part of future memories, I anticipate the next hurdle----the new year. The TV commercials romanticize champagne toasts illuminated by glowing candles. People start to make resolutions, hopeful that this brand-new unblemished year will be the one that fuels their successes.

For the parent who has lost a child to death, a new year can be daunting. The first New Years' after my son Daniel's death was scary. I wanted to hold onto 1997. Although it was the year he'd lost his battle with cancer and died, it was also the year he'd lived. 1998 would mark the first calendar year without him.

For some reason, the image of an old-fashioned wooden bucket came to me. With this item I heard the word carry. That's it, my newly-bereaved mind said. The key with a new year is to carry the old into it.

So here we are, on the brink of another year, a new decade, with fresh hopes and dreams. A clean slate. There are many things about 2009 I wish to forgive and forget, but I don't want to ever forget my son.

Each year marks a year further from when I last held him, heard his voice, and saw his smile. I yearn to hug him, tell him how much he's grown, and ask him what he'd like for dinner. My heart feels that distinct hollowness and sorrow that belongs to a mother without her child.

But the bucket I have isn't hollow. It is brimming with memories and fondness, warmed with love and laughter; I hold it tightly.

Just as I carried Daniel's four-year-old memories into 1998, now---thirteen years later---I will continue to carry them. And I will do more than just hold them, I'll let them trickle out, forming their own glow, as I share this special boy with my world. "Wasn't it funny when Daniel called adults redults? Do you remember how he gave stickers away in the hospital, and once when bored made a collage out of baby lotion and glitter?"

Daniel lived, he loved, and I believe he continues to live in Heaven.

So, get yourself a sturdy bucket and carry. Boldly carry the memories into the new year. Along the way, give yourself permission to forgive. Let the memories you recall be the brightest ones.

Listen. There is nothing to fear. Listen. Your child's voice can be heard in your heart.

wisler@mindspring.com

WHEN A HOUSE IS NOT A HOME
By Mary Cleckley
BP/USA

Have you had trouble feeling at home in your house since your child died? Many people can’t face that place and those memories. As a result, they spend the years ahead running. They don’t know what they are searching for but for something that will blot out the memories they once valued.
Yet, those memories refuse to go down without a fight and they keep on popping up at the most inopportune moments. Maybe when you’re driving, for instance, or trying to carry on a conversation with a new acquaintance with whom you really don’t want to share your experience.
Some people choose to move, in an effort to leave old memories and pain behind. They haven’t yet learned that what you have in your heart and your head, you carry with you no matter where you go. It’s like you’re crawling and grief is riding a bicycle and it gets there ahead of you. Strange how grief seems to know your destination. When grief is fresh, you’re not going to be happy no matter where you go. Better than running or moving, this is a good time to use your time wisely. Learn how to live with your loss and that includes allowing your house to become your haven again – friendly, familiar and warm, full of memories that one day you will again find comforting. It happened for me and it can happen for you. Soon, I hope. Soon, I hope!

 


Like a Tree in Winter

 

 

Like a tree in winter
which has lost its leaves,
we look ahead to spring
for new growth and the
warmth of the sun to heal
the pain in our hearts.
Let us make January & February
a time to reach out to each other
and give that warmth from our hearts
and in return,
We will all show new growth.

~reprinted from Kansas City (MO-KAN) Region Newsletter, Jan/Feb 2004

 

TRIAL BY FIRE: 9 TIPS FOR GRIEVIG COUPLES
by Lisa Church. Adapted from a book “Hope is Like the Sun; Finding Hope and Healing After Miscarriage, Stillbirth or Infant Death” Loving lifted from TCF/Jackson, Alabama July 2007.

1. Give each other the freedom to grieve in an individual way. Resist the temptation to feel that your way is the only way to handle loss. Do not be fooled if it seems that your spouse has not been affected by the loss.
2. Remember the good times. Think about activities you enjoy as a couple and make time to do them—even if you do not feel up to it.
3. Expect tough times. Be tolerant and understand that you are both going to fail each other during this turbulent time.
4. Do not lash out at one another. In a weakened state of grief, this will only push you apart. Find constructive ways to release the stress and anger of grief.
5. Prepare for change. Loss and grief change people and it will change the face of your marriage. Decide together that this trial will bring you closer and commit to your relationship.
6. Reach out. Resist the urge to spend time away from your mate or reach out to others who better understand your grief.
7. Avoid placing blame. Tossing accusations at your spouse will only place a wedge in your relationship. Understand that feelings of guilt, anger and confusion are normal during this time.
8. Love each other. Be sure to offer the hugs, cuddling, and love that each partner needs to feel secure and supported.
9. Seek information and support. Educate yourselves on grief and try to understand one another. If you are having difficulties resolving your grief as a couple and you feel your marriage is in trouble, get help immediately. Do not wait until it is too late to seek help.
There are no easy answers for couples dealing with the loss of a child. It is crucial that you make the decision to put your marriage first and then do it.

 

 

 

 

   

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